I woke up to a bunch of college seniors jacking off a horse in my face. Geuss who didnt move in time?
People kept wishing me happy birthday last night. apparently i was 21st birthday drunk
I'm drinking rum and coke straight from the 2 liter bottle.
i'm too stoned to be pregnant. the kicking is morse code for wanting beef jerky.
Did you push me into the oil wrestling or did I elect to do it?
You said you wanted to do it, but I gave you a friendly nudge.
He woke up, got my bottle of water and poured it on me and then went back to sleep. Not really how I want to wake up at 2 a.m.
I mean looking back on it, it's unlucky but at least now we can say we were in jail from 2011 to 2012
That's thinking positively..
Robert just walked in drunk, grabbed my Jameson from me, told me to let him do his thing, and spilled it all over the coffee table. Then he told me to grab a funnel because he was going home.
you didn't want to pay for the shots so you negotiated with the bartenders. Apparently 1 shot is worth 5 seconds of motor-boating you.
So immediately after we finished having sex she started singing, "The Circle of Life", put her clothes on and then just left. I think I'm in love.
Well there's only 4 people in my class, we've watched a video, the instructors encouraged us to start using cocaine and now we are on break.
It's been productive.
Have you ever thrown up in the middle of your hair appointment? Cause I have..
.... I'm on a random couch somewhere in Newark wrapped in a Lightning McQueen blanket
is it bad that I see hot guys I wanna sleep with as challenges instead of actual people?
yes. but it works for you
I have post one night stand depression
Randomize
