I guess she didn't feel like it. There was hair all over it and everything
When i woke up this morning she asked me 'when did you first find out that you could see the future.' I gotta stop drinking.
Best idea ever: Giving hobos a beer and having a chugging contest to win another beer. Most fun I have had downtown in a while.
the only time i'm productive on weed is when i drink.
The kids I taught this morning even knew i was drunk. One of them even said, and I quote, "You smell like my dad after he goes bowling."
Dude she has the ugliest blow job face ever.
Why did I think it was so necessary to steal that rolling pin?
Nothing like buying a handle and a 36 pack with a baby strapped on.
Most violent shit of my life. New Years resolution of eating better is already kicking me in the face.
Wait does semen show up on blood tests?
I think I just got propositioned for sex by the lady behind the counter at dunkin donuts
God, please protect all woman from micro-penises
I HAVE A FLAME THROWER. COME SEE IT. IT’S SAFE AND WORKS.
Okay, maybe filling water balloons with vodka was not our best idea.
I'm a little concerned about right now. You showed up at my house soaking wet, drunk with a bag of ham and 2 liter of Dr. Pepper, and you refused to tell me where you got the ham until I gave you some more liquor.
Randomize
