your head's too prwtty to be stuck in the books
Do you have swine flu?
I know my taste in men is not always top notch; however, I don't sleep with swine.
Pigs, yes. Swine, no.
I just ate 10 fun sized 3 musakteers.. I'm pretty sure I'm about to start my period.
Talk to you next week
Note to self: never go down on a girl first thing in the morning…its like opening a grilled cheese sandwich
fuck yea just found my unicorn costume from when i was 8... still fits
I told him we couldn't have sex because I was ovulating and "I come from fertile people."
I just inadvertently flirted with my coworker's 20-year old son. I've known him since he was 14, yet suddenly he looked different.
You are nothing if not reliable.
My dinner guests were so drunk they never realized that I inadvertantly put Frosted Mini Wheats on the salad instead of crutons.
Better than road-head. Just got model-home-head. Also got a disapproving scowl of judgment from the realtor on the way out.
im glad im back to a point in my life where i have enough sex to sometimes be offered and be like naw im good.
you were holding her above your head singing Circle of Life in what i assume was a Simba reference. then she smacked her head on a bar light and the bouncers kicked you out
not sure if destroying him emotionally was worth it but damn it's a fucking hilarious story
I chatted up the pastor's son on Grindr during the service. Still ridiculing my decision to go to church this morning?
I admit it could have gone better but look at it this way, since I broke the urn you don't have to worry about spreading the ashes.
I thought the first time I got peed on it would be by a baby...
Randomize
