Just met a synchronized swimmer, can you imagine the things she could do in the water
Legs for days
Harpoon that
im so horny i just used my electric toothbrush to masturbate. god help me
Last night, you attempted to motor boat my vagina then proceeded to blow raspberries on it. Don't ever do that again.
Don't worry about it. I've taken so much Plan B, my uterus is purely for show now.
answered a 6 am booty call this morning...you were still in the er so I thought what the hell
best. trip. ever. this is going to be too much fun. petland isnt going to know what hit them.
So apparently the only parts of last night I remember didn't actually happen.. When did vodka become a hallucinogen?
I CAN CONTROL MY GERBIL WITH MY BREATH. HE FOLLOWS THE SMELL. PROBABLY WOULDNT BE AS EXCITING IF I WASNT HIGH OFF MY ASS, BUT STILL
You left me alone with nothing but donuts and my thoughts.
You have talents. You got me laid two weekends in a row in two different cities.
Some guy named spider just bought me 5 shots
He's throwing Skittles into my cleavage and some are rebounding into my crouch.
Well he's scoring either way then.
You do realize it’s only a matter of time before I have a bad day and come home with an alpaca?
You peed on a flamingo?!?
When we were in Vegas he tried to get an Elvis impersonator to act dead on a toilet so he could take photos. This is even worse
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