And now his mom knows I was dipping my pen in company ink
Big sunglasses are the new paper bag
ya. and they're way easier to confince girls to wear during sex
so i was supposed to be to work at 8..but its 9:15 and im currently standing stoned in the middle of holiday...with a bag with three doughnuts, two redbulls, and a slim jim..
god i miss watching you do this...
You said "i miss him" not "i miss his dick." You're getting emotionally attatched. Shame.
Broke up w/ my married coworker...work is gonna get weird.
You said you were going to take the sideview mirror to your own car so that nobody would steal it. Thats why you woke up with it.
Just break the ice by asking who had to take plan b this past semester
Aww. I feel like I need to kill a puppy just to make room in the world for how cute you are right now
passed out in the hallway last night, now I'm sitting down in the shower, eating lukewarm canned soup out of Tupperware, listening to Carly rae jepsen.. I had a rough night.
Option 1: fuck me and bedtime. Option 2: come fuck me and then hangout with everyone. Option 3: don't fuck me in which case fuck you.
Um ... did I have a lizard on my shoulder last night at the bar?
One of your snapchats was of you with a 40oz of Mickeys and the caption: "Deep Throat back in her natural habitat"
He does have a nice smile. I also like to think he has a nice penis, but that's just a prediction.
I don't know. Seeing the vagina stretched out beyond normal proportions is like watching your favorite superhero die.
Must lick fork, like it's a DICK
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