Rescue me. My white trash great uncle just pulled out his belly at the restaurant to show us how big this woman's tit was
i just got fired from my job because i was "too smart" and my immedate response was i am WAY too stoned to be considered smart, and theni walked out the door.
wow. i have no words.
When I came home you were watching infomercials, eating croutons out of the box and salsa from a funnel. Well done.
did that guy on the oscars really just tell me to text a dolphin?
i dont even know how to be here
I just found cold cuts in the blender. You and beefeater can no longer have unsupervised parties.
I have bruises everywhere. I think I took "the drinks are strong" as more of a challenge than a warning.
My contribution to the dinner party was a bottle of vodka and a bag of uncooked potatoes. I felt like a Russian serf.
I had a dream about masturbating with toys I can't afford.
My sex life and finances are equally in shambles.
Wow. I grabbed the wrong container to rinse my contacts- it was a beer. And it comes out waaaay faster than saline.
If you were more comfortable around gay men, then you too could get wasted at the gay dance club and go home with hot girls.
He said he was a banker. Then he told me he made 15 an hour. I said he was a shitty banker then fucked his friend.
My puke in the shower morning just turned into a puke in the restroom at work afternoon. I'm the human embodiment of dumpster fire.
Going through his web history. 10 hours ago he searched "how to put on condom with your teeth" I think I'm getting it tonight.
When the paramedic asked Logan how he fell he explained that he was trying to lick his eyeball, missed and tripped over his own tongue.
Randomize
