Don't get me started, it sucks when the one thing you have in common with a girl is not wanting penis inside you.
Roller skating + drunkeness + peeing = mess
some how when im high sleep beats hunger...its like how paper beats rock it doesnt make any fucking sense but it still happens
I'm pretty sure God is rooting for me with this two gf thing
Beach body diet is off. Pizza hut worked its way back onto my google chrome top 8
I was just counting ceiling tiles when he ate me out, it was that bad.
He had to carry me to the car. But then sat with me and waited for me to sober up enough to have sex. He's a keeper.
she asked how her costume looked and all i could say was bars are dark right?
Today is definitely a "stand over the toilet and pee through the opening at the bottom of my boxers" kind of day.
I guess the silver lining is that having a big dick really comes in handy when you're hungover.
It's a mixed blessing.
What's the sex policy on a school bus? Because I dibs back seat.
Sex allowed. Dress code is neon and obnoxious.
We are gonna die. I wanna enforce the "no jumping out of moving vehicles" policy. And how are we gonna get a school bus through mcdonalds drive thru?
I sent him a bunch of texts telling him that his beard wasn't long enough yet so we couldn't fuck and to text me back in a few hours if it had.
I just want school to he over so we can build a big tent, do drugs inside it, and watch cartoons until the sun comes up.
That's all I've ever wanted.
You can achieve whatever you wish in your imagination with some help from drugs
Saw the guy I once slept with, he was buying Beer and shit tone of diapers. Glad to see how 2016 will turn out.
Yes I’m serious. I just worked YOUR 12 hour shift on 3 hours of sleep if you come over without tacos and an ice cream cake in hand we are done
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