Damn. That makes sense
I know im like the sherlok holmes of sexual problems
i think i just saw hanson at the grocery store. one might have been a girl. hard to tell. lets call that one taylor.
I bought this skirt with every intention to have it wrapped around my tits by the end of the night. So, I'm not a whore. I'm a self-fulfilling prophecy.
There are dudes in kilts outside my window practicing fire breathing with cheap vodka and a modified grill lighter. I thought you should know.
Woke up to a bottle of gatorade and a packet of saltine crackers tied to underwear hanging from my ceiling fan, along with 3 advil stuck to a piece of duct tape and a note saying "have a happy hangover- <3 you/me"
Drunk you is pretty stunner.
You pulled down your pants, pissed in the recliner, and wiped yourself with my utility bill. I thought it was in the worlds best interest to put you to bed.
Tomorrow, if I don't look at least 5% better than I do on a regular day to day basis, I want you to hit me and tell me that no one will ever love me if I continue to look like I just rolled out of a cocaine induced hibernation. I'm asking you for tough love.
The last thing I remember is teaching our waffle house waitress to do the stanky leg and promising the grill cook we would come see him at his other job.
EVERYONE IS SPEAKING SPANISH. I ONLY KNOW HOLA.
She mentions her boyfriend one more time, I'm taking her home and breaking that shit up.
I'm sorry your Amazon says buttplugs now
He wants to make me arch my back "like I'm having an exorcism". Not sure if I'm turned on or freaked out.
Which one of you fucks put a bounty out on my brother's virginity?
Sorry for trying to baptize you last night
You knew the entire thing in Latin I was so impressed
we cut you off when you started chasing with your slim fast shake
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