I accidentally had sex with my boyfriend's twin last night...and he didn't stop me.
How was it?
Fantastic, but that's not the point.
So remember when i bet you that girl uses dick to validate her existence?
...yea
She's valid.
apparently 9 shots of absynthe does not take away your skill to walk. i just woke up under a tree in some field on the other side of town with 4 hours missing.
for halloween i should be pregnant. what is scarier than that?!
yeah, but i heard shes schizophrenic
i wouldn't even care dude, i'd fuck her and all 7 of her personalities.
Woke up on the kitchen floor cuddling with the dummy we made of you. Hope your internship is going well.
i was debating whether to load antoher bowl when i realized i was holding a sandwich in one hand and a cookie in the other. and laughing.
Just saw some dude tumble down the stairs of the bar while leaving...fist pump...and then sprint down the road
apparently i tried to facetime the drunk bus last night, that's probably why we had to walk back to campus
Drunk ass.
You are my best friend, but sometimes best friends need to punch each other in the face
Dudes don't just lick butts of chicks they're not into.
He left me alone in a hotel room my last night in town to go home to jerk off and watch TV. So yeah, I guess we're not really friends.
i was too drunk before they even got here. i took all their phones instead of keys and hid them in the freezerr...im an awesome party host.
at the time fanning him with a dish tray seemed like a good idea but when we found it buried in the dirt the next morning i questioned our judgement. needless to say he still threw up even with the extra breeze.
First aid class means get dry humped by moderately attractive college students during heimlich maneuver training.
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