FYI: if you have sex in your room with the light on, we can totally see your shadows from the parking lot
Your boyfriend has good rhythm though.
So stoned I forgot I was masturbating and went to go get a cookie.
You said that we had to leave the party together and proceeded to repeat the "ducks fly together" speech from The Mighty Ducks word for word. Soon the whole party was quite and started chanting quack..quack...quack..
You better have your party panties on Saturday!
Why only Saturday?
Well I have an AA meeting Sat morning so I'm going to try to take it easy Fri.
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The savings from $3 shots still doesn't add up to plan-b
He's doing the single life. He recently finished like a 3 year relationship. You can't date him.
But I don't want to date him. I just want to look at him. Naked. And in my bed.
it wasn't the penis i had been hoping for.....but i took it regardless.
Maybe if i steal enough bar glasses i can justify all the money spent i've spent there
We did lines off of a Whitney Houston CD case. That makes everything okay.
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Passive mediator is your role in this relationship. My role is dick punching arsonist
I'd rather be castrated by angry chipmunks Than live your life for 24 hours
Escorted out of jimmy johns because I refused to leave with my dog. Stole a loaf of bread on the way out.
I need you to know that everytime my toddler does the downward facing dog in the nude I think about the night you and your dude fell in love.
Watching a guy masturbate in real time is a lot less theatrical than porn had me to believe.
Last night you dunked donut holes in spinach dip, ate it, threw up, and continued eating. I cant keep up with your drunk eating skills.
I was wondering where the donuts went.
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