I was happy to be the center of attention..until i realized why everyone was staring
well I washed the adderal like an idiot. the capsules broke but the beads inside were intact. so my landlady came in and caught me licking the dryer lint screen
i don't think my family understands the severity of a twenty first birthday.
I'm not saying we can't have sex tonight, I'm just saying we have to work it around Lost.
New drinking game: take a shot everytime Jay-Z is played during the NFL draft.
i realized our last day of finals is on cinco de mayo....it's god's way of saying drink ridiculous amounts of tequila and wear sombreros
Apparently she held up my head the entire 40 minutes, convincing the cab driver that I was okay
Her parents walked in on us. So for my birthday they bought me a blow-up doll with their daughters face on it. I don't know what to think right now.
There's a skateboard on the patio and all the chips are gone. The note on the fridge says 'don't buy cheese'. Stop letting her go outside.
I have got to stop assigning last names to girls I get numbers from based on what I think will remind me of them... Sarah Petrydish is not an acceptable memory trigger
I remember all the people and all the acts I just have to match the person with the act
Trustme, don't ever look up when you're giving road head. It's awkward.
My Canadian brought me three bottles of maple syrup, a sunflower, and a pair of Oakleys back to the states...he's either drunk or he loves me
They said you went back in for 30 minutes and were walking with your arms out like an eagle soaring
I was so high I just stared at the papa john's app on my phone and cried
Randomize
