dude you just took shreks wife home. what the fuck is wrong with you
when a bears hungry he eats besides shes got her nipples pierced
Im eating ham and mustard naked, watching south park, but its totally cool cuz the paper plate is covering my nuts
We sat in your minivan all night in a parking lot pretending we were in the magic school bus going to the sun
We were walking home when he passed out, we left him. Just got a call from him, hes in a jail in Canada.
I was just walking down the hall and passed a very pregnant girl wearing a shirt that said "blame it on the aaaaaa-alcohol." I can't decide if she's brilliantly witty or just pointing fingers.
Why do i even want him? It's like his dick is a trophy and I need to put it on my wall of shame.
You're right. Single life welcomed me back with open arms. It's like it knew it wasnt going to be long when I left.
Looking at an apartment in Houston. It's right beside my favorite bar and the zoo. Best or worst decision?
I just saw him carrying his little sister while walking his puppy. And he was shirtless. I swear my ovaries just exploded
is that a sigh of girlish delight, or "sigh...I'm having a herpes outbreak'
Can't it be both?
To the point, I hope I remember where to put my dick when I finally get laid again
You have a 50 50 chance
From what I heard you ordered him to lick your balls. Unless you've kept a huge secret I understand his confusion.
He wanted to watch a Charlie Brown thanksgiving. But I was like, fuck that, I'm a grown up. So we watched jumanji and I sucked his dick.
I wonder if Paul and Andy realize how lucky that they are that we're too lazy to start fucking other dudes so we just stick with them
My eye was non-stop itchy for like an hour... I thought burying my face in your ass caught up with me
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