....ANDDD I just became confused during sexting and sent my mother a text describing a "porno-worthy cum shot."
The cab driver referred to me as his little gumdrop, im sure he won't feel the same when he sees the vomit all over his floor.
He got me an interview at his law firm and his boss asked him what he had to say about me. His response "He dates CRAZY bitches."
he confused my yawn for an orgasm
i know and i thought i was only capable of loving dick and drugs, im so happy
There is nacho cheese and blood everywhere.
I woke up naked dangling by my feet from the balcony over his foyer. He's officially my new favorite booty call.
Best part of being a cop: When I showed up at Thanksgiving with stitches in my head I could tell them I was "protecting and serving" not "drinking and falling down". Career validated.
All i'm saying is it doesn't matter how drunk you were, at 26 years of age you should always remember to take down you pants before you shit in the toilet
Serious questions. Who is that girl? Why is she wearing a tiara? And why does she keep asking about penis piercings?
Is it weird to smoke a bong with a client from work?
I can feel the shame as I walk down your hallway.. good night
Why the fuck is there raw bacon in my bra. I don't even have a stove.
I woke up to pee last night, got out of bed and proceeded to stand there because I had no idea where I was. Then, I heard my sexy as fuck personal trainers voice. Well-played blacked out me.
We're pretty sure we got naked at Pride, so running the two blocks to your place in my underwear is a step up the dignity ladder really.
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