just got my goo swallowed for the first time. colors seem so much more vivid now, and more rainbows are outside
we were like drunken butterflies among sober caterpillars,
i'm drinking with a bunch of phds, i feel very stupid but good about my drinking abilities
Our drug dealer just got busted, wear black tmrw
I don't remember anything but yelling at the ref in Spanish.
he broke off your car antennae to use as a walking stick before he smoked because he claimed to lack the facial strength needed to open his eyes when he's high
I hope there's a soldier with a Bedazzler just going to town right now.
all my mom knows is what I put on facebook. So... I mean... She knows we drink a lot.
I can't leave your house without my underwear spending the night.
There is nothing quite so awkward as watching topless bullriding with your mother next to you..
But I swear to god if I'm awkwardly there while you try to have sex with someone again I'm getting high with your dad
So Doritos and vodka was obviously not as good an idea as I thought at the time.
You didn't try to help me when I fell on the dance floor. She brought me cupcakes. You're a shitty friend, suck your own dick.
I just gave myself a foot massage. #SingleAsFuck
If the multiverse is real, would you screw yourself? I'd screw myself.
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