we didnt fuck last night. again. seriously, his place is like where dreams go to die.
i just threw up ON my final. epic way to end the semester.
i dont even feel safe using a push mower...that hungover
he went to have surgery in the morning and apparently they found lip gloss on his dick
For your information i will be shotgunning whiskey on may 21st.
He blew a .19 and then slurred "well I did have some rum cake earlier today officer".
Apparently, I kept going on about how i'm going to name my first born Ramen. I think this is a good parenting move.
Let me refresh your memory. New Year's Eve in the back of my car you grabbed my hand and said feel my tumor on my butthole and at that moment I swear we were infinite
Because it was 5am and I had a shitty mixed drink and I was threatening to put my balls in your face.
Not the worst first impression I've experienced.
On another note, I feel like my vagina is slowly being peeled off with a rusty potato peeler.
Don't be surprised if I hand out mini dildos on Halloween
I was going to do a cardio thing but then tacos.
I may have had several rum punches and then gone to the store and used European cucumbers to prove my baton twirling prowess.
How’s your Christmas Eve so far?
I just chased my melatonin with red wine. It’s 12:00pm.
And tell your penis that we can hang out tonight for sure.
Randomize
