Hey sorry for feelin' up your date. Sadly, this is a mass txt.
i wanna stay in my bed and fart for a few more hours
i sleep in a fine layer of vodka and semen. i don't know that that would appropriate for a pajama rally.
There was jim beam in your oven. I just preheated it.
i might even pee on it at walmart i am so nervous
Someone carved 'Hank' in all caps in the snow outside my apartment building so naturally I turned the capital H into a K and added an S to the front.
I think college has really matured you.
he was playing drums on rock band as i poured bailey's into his mouth. tell me that's not a bonding moment.
Its like a relationship where they cockblock each other.
Let's be honest, your relationships fail because the man you're looking for is the equivalent of an intellectual blow-up doll.
He tried to tell me that he could handle his liquor better than "all the bitches in this town." AS HE THREW UP. ALL. OVER.
Hey, I took a sweater from your house. And, um, your little brother's virginity.
All I know, is I had green sex and beer and got driven home. That's it.
Quit giving me a hard time, whens the last time you got head every night? Cougars are where its at they dont play games
You kept saying, "please sir, can I have some more."
I just motorbotted some guy and my hair got stuck in his nipple ring...owww
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