Why on earth are you answering my texts promptly? Thought for certain you'd be caught up in some ridiculous orgy by this time.
I'm that good.
the girl next to me in class just threw up in a waterbottle during our exam.
the only reason why im excited to go home for break is to finally eat real fucking food and have normal bowel movements.
he literally had a slideshow of all the girls hes had sex with pictures set to american woman
Turns out Woolite can get the cum stains out of her moms couch.
Is it horrible that I want to keep my purple landing strip until after my gyno apt? I feel like someone beside myself should see it...
He was fucking her while he was wiping my tears.
Is it wrong in Austin to talk to the homeless while I feed a bird my chips??
It's four o'clock and my 60yo aunt's tits have already made an appearance and there is a dildo traveling around the room periodically assaulting family members. Strangely I am thankful.
Next time someone asks you what your spirit animal is do you really want to answer the iowa state fair butter cow?
If I was a guy I'd keep a condom in my pocket, in my wallet, in my backpack, in my car, in my shoe, behind my fucking ear
How awkward is it to have the guy you used to sleep with congratulate you on your engagement? I'll tell you. Very.
Why thank you for your unwanted opinion, person I've never met before.
After you punched me you ran away and it took an hour to find you... On the wrong floor... Sitting alone saying "it doesnt make sense"
I haven't felt more like a college student than when I woke up this morning naked with my sociology textbook in front of me and my bong in my left hand.
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