We found an eightball on the ground last night. I mean, really, who does that?
I really want to sleep with her friend. I'm hoping our casual sex relationship will somehow lead to that.
Oh yeah forgot to mention that I referred to myself as the oral sex heavyweight champion last night
We are lost and the only things we have are peanut brittle, cookies and vodka. I think we'll make it.
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The last thing I said to him last night before telling him he couldn't give me a kiss goodnight was pointing at his dick then at me and saying "this isn't working out"
hey, this is the ginger girl from the party...i've thought about it and I wanna join the american girl drinking team
Now I'm at the gym and I never want to leave. It's a combo of adderall and endorphins and I don't want it to go away
His hands kept asking for sex, but all I could think was "dude, this is going to ruin my high".
She was horrified when I asked if they had any strap on chin dildos, I was at a sex shop for gods sake must I be judged everywhere
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alicia just called me and talked to me in "the eternal language of the dinosaurs" and then kind of roared and gurgled. what kind of 4th of july are you guys having?
the boozy kind. is there any other?
Just left a strip club where they let me on stage to teach them tricks. Time of my life!
That which doesn't kill you gives you an excuse to get shitfaced later
Jimmy johns delivers to the bar behind work. Happy vodka day!
I tried to face swap with Chuck Norris. His face was too powerful... it broke my snap chat.
Guess who's now on the no-fly list? If you guessed me, you'd be right.
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