i just realized Britney Spears and I are more alike than I thought. Both of us have our parents in complete control of our lives, we both have restraining orders on previous boyfriends, and we all know both of us can put on a hell of a show
When we were grinding I think your nuva ring fell into my shoe
Need. Hospital. Physically am floating.
You need to fuck him. The man has his own Wikipedia.
We're like adult pinky and the brain when they decided that taking over the world is unrealistic so they aim lower by trying to get drunk every day.
I call him Seabiscuit because he's my trusty steed
Did we seriously steal a wet floor sign from McDonald's then get chased down by a homeless man for it? Never drinking again.
SOS YOU NEED TO TAKE THE CANDY PANTIES OUT OF THE GLOVE COMPARTMENT BEFORE MOM TAKES MY CAR
I need a moral compass that doesn't always point to dick
This bird just went for my eyes. Does he think I'm dead???
I might as well just sew it shut at this point.
Can we relax the "married man" rule just once?
I feel like I smell like bad decisions
That’s true love. If they recognize a chocolate mold of your anus.
My toothbrush tastes like captain morgan
I'm jealous
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