At least we lost an hour tonight! Less time to make a fool of myself
I don't know whether I should be pissed that there's glitter in my bed or proud that there's semen in there too.
She told me that she faked her orgasm. Does she think I care??
this is no time to have dignity 4/20 is coming
Well, if they're both my boyfriend.. Then i cheated on both of them.
Just had a pleasant conversation with a mugger while he was taking off my shoes. Why can't I get along with people like this sober?
If the world would stop letting me feel invincible I would probably stop doing this shit.
I just texted him and asked him to keep some in case I need help sealing the deal.
Girl Scout cookies are like roofies for fat chicks.
I've fallen from my one moral pedestal
Saying you need a hooker then asking me to have sex is NOT the way to get laid. Booty call 101.
GET ME OUT OF HERE THE DOCTOR KNOWS HE IS JUDGING ME I DEMAND A PRISON BREAK
I'd like to preapologize if you or your mom see me naked at some point this weekend.
Buying drug test kits off amazon. And qualifying for amazonSmile donation to a kids hospital feels wrong and funny at the same time xD
My mom found your leather pants in our guest room. She doesn't want to know why they are there, she just wants to know if you want them washed.
You know what would have been funny if we got arrested last night? The inventory search of the lock box:\n\nContents:\n1 work ID\n1 33 round Glock magazine\n1 set of keys\n1 vibrator\n2 bags fruit snacks\n1 parking hang tag
Randomize
