In Vegas, have spent the last 48 hours wearing a viking helmet and fanny pack. I consider this to be a career high since drinking is my career
look mate, i'm pretty sure 14 texts saying "fuck me. fuck me now" more than passes the legal benchmark for consent.
Apparently, I kept going on about how i'm going to name my first born Ramen. I think this is a good parenting move.
you are not my drinking buddy, you are my drinking enemy.
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I like that we've become good enough friends again that I can make fun of your penis without it being awkward
I wish there was an emoji to express our Eskimo Brothership
He sent me a 7 minute voicemail of him playing wonderwall on the acoustic guitar I'm not even kidding did he seriously think that would work
I can't believe I left out the part about him peeing on the side of Route 2 at 3 a.m. while wearing a dress.
He's like a fucking cake pop, the greatest thing in the world while it lasts, but it never lasts for long enough
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The best was when you were crying, and trying to get the bouncer to "understand you AS A HUMAN BEING"
You can't say "my boobs are wonderful" and not expect my drunken subconscious to focus on wanting to see them. Btw-can I see them?
We decided to try to steal hot dogs but it ended up with me punching him in the face and crying. Pretty solid night
The quality of my porn watching experience has significantly declined. Thanks shattered iphone screen
I've never been this drunk around this many toddlers
And I woke up by myself with peanut butter.. Cool
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