Jizz is so healthy, they should sell it at Jamba Juice. Call it "Jamba's Juice". Genius.
Just paid for that girls abortion on my dad's black card. I feel like P-Diddy.
So I've officially decided that I AM that drunken mistake that girls hate themselves for in the morning.
God my Facebook chat is a graveyard of old blowjobz
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He rode my dog to the bathroom and wouldn't stop laughing once he got in. It was scary.
He was more tolerable with alcohol in my system. I woke up to him squeezing me and telling me how he wanted to dip me in strawberry jam.
You will never know an awkward moment until your parents pick you up from a one night stand.
I feel like there should be a database and you screen your boyfriend's scrotum and all the fucked up shit they've done goes on file.
A nap. You broke your hand napping in Vegas.
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He showed up at my front door with Plan B and a rose...
Wow! It's so great to hear from you! We all thought you perished in Winepocalypse 2012, man.
Bumble is fuckin insane here. I'm going to break a hip.
Only I could turn my one night stands into class essays. Go me.
There's a dude wearing a banana suit at the house across the street....
They have one of those claw machines here... with a dildo in it...
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