Sex has been so nonexistent lately that when I was masturbating the other day, I actually paused to yawn.
as soon as you compare a person to an animal, all sexual interest is out the window
Oh my god! She wrote the word ''hi'' in HAIR on the shower wall. What the fuck?!
I went to the gas station and the lady goes I remember you. Broken sunglasses and puke on your car.
In your defense, I really thought capturing that alligator would have been a lot more awesome and a lot less tragic.
RIP Mr Bojangles.
Boys DO look like their dicks. Its like dogs.
I just karate chopped a humming bird out of mid air. It came at my face while I was out side smoking. Scared the shit out of me. My ninja skills just took over. Haha. I mean really at that point it was me or him.
Bro that's the last time I try to stick my penis in a bowl of jello. I can't believe your sister ate that, did she not see my dick mold
Well the good news is ill probably have my new boobs by the time he sees me naked
So far I consider it a great summer because I have had to buy Plan B a total of zero times
I fit in backpacks. BOOM HERE I AM! Like a stripper from a cake.
we're so committed to being not committed
I've never been so drunk at home. I just sat on the toilet playing with toilet paper for ten minutes, I almost made a paper crane.
The dude we met that gave us weed sent me a video of his balls covering the sun like a solar eclipse
Hey I had a great night last night but I don't want to lie to you I'm only 19 and that wasn't my place its was my cousin he's gone for the summer and I was just house sitting and watching his cat I'm sorry
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