He looked like the mexican version of Steve Carrell with a unibrow.
When the moon hits your eye like a big pizza pie, you're a dumbass
Tonight was like the Noah's Ark of alcohol. I had to have two of everything.
She told me I was starting to look like a mermaid with herpes and I needed to stop it.
He was doing push ups, crunches and jogging in place in front of the restaurant. I'm not too sure I want to eat there if it requires immediate exercise following the meal.
i just made mint juleps with bourbon and fresh breath strips. i am the macgyver of alcohol.
How do you not remember seeing the kid from our chem lab table and repeatedly yelling "lab partners for life!" at him?
You're married and I'm going to make out with a stranger tonight. Isn't that weird? It's like a gap in the time space continium.
PROFESSOR JUST TOOK A SHOT WITH US BEFORE CLASS. WELCOME TO THE LAST DAY OF FINALS.
I was drunk while I accepted my job offer. Here's to growing up.
So when I walked out, everyone was chanting ONE OF US, someone draped a lei over my head, and then she grabbed my ass and dragged me back into the bedroom. I'd say it was a pretty good night to lose my virginity.
I don't know what that means. Any of it. BUT I will be at your house at 10:20 and you better be ready to get high as balls.
Look at us. Planning our business meeting. Including snacks like shrooms & trail mix.
you have 30 seconds to convince me not to grab this guy's crotch in front of his girlfriend
I had a threesome with my hot neighbor and his GF and by threesome I mean I heard them getting it on in their apartment and I was in my apartment with a vibrator
and I may have moaned his name loud enough that they heard me because now he won’t make eye contact
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