Ok so the guy below me is either having sex very loudly or is very lonely
She uses empty wine bottles as book ends. 2 on each side. At least 8 shelves.
I'm not 100% sure, but I think someone gave me a bath last night...
He was going nice and slow, then he yelled " BOONNEESTOORRMM!!!!!". I can't walk straight.
Dude. He drives a mini. Therefore he's a virgin
How sober do you have to be to donate blood?
I dont know if you relize this but ive been high ly medicated in my room for a whil now. GOing out into the real world would make me li ke tom ha nks. im not ready to be tom hanks..
Dude, sorry for live texting you my binge drinking. If you'd like me to do the same for my hangover, I can share that I just had to sit down while q-tipping my ears.
I want a calm night. Not one where I wake up to you topless and bloody.
This family outing has commenced with me throwing up in an apple orchard
I got a text saying, "It's so great to throw tomatoes at seagulls."
Saw the same Luigi I hooked up with last Halloween. Still in his same Luigi costume and scruff that hurt my face
Just shared a bacon biscuit with my cat.... Life is weird for me right now
I woke up an hour ago with orange fingers and a condom stuck to my head.. Wtf just happened?
I don't know how to explain to you that you tried to recreate the bit from the Dana Carvey show where a guy dressed as Bill Clinton breastfeeds a bunch of puppies
Randomize
