I'm single ladies-ing it in my kitchen alone. after I just made an intense new breakup cd and before I drown my sorrows by marinating alone in my jacuzzi later. I cant tell if this is a new low or a new high
Can you send me a pic of you vag, I'm sexting the guy and he wants a pic but I didnt shave
dude are you serious?
I know you already have a pic on your phone
Sweet. Might not hurt to poop on the floor anyway.
nobody is as good of a wingman as me. i make whoever im with look like mark wahlberg during his underwear model phase
New York to be Host to America’s Biggest Singles Event
I learned to sign I want to be on you today
Deaf chicks here I come
I didn't know people actually cried after sex.
You weren't just peeing. You were like grinding on it. And you tried to pee in the washing machine first.
I have effectively turned laundry day into a drinking game.
I'm sitting at work trying to dust glitter off my pants. I can't hang out with her anymore.
Kylie Jenner Wasn’t in the Kardashian X-Mas Cards & the Internet is Losing it
If I puke off the kayak tomorrow think nothing of it.
I don't know what weirder, the fact that I flat out said "I thought I deleted you from facebook" or that she responded with "I just hacked your account and readded myself". Never thought I'd say this but I wish drunk me would stop making friends!
I'll be home soonish I need 4th of July sex, it's the American thing to do.
I had one beer! ONE BEER! They took shots in mourning of my tolerance last night. My ability to drink is a joke.
I can't open my mouth wide enough to make full use of this snapchate update
After a crazy night, morning sex is just trying to find a position where you can thrust without getting seasick.