im typing and i feel like my hands are on backwards.
Stop texting me, I'm right here.
oh my she just said cum sticks to her dentures so when she blows if they let her she takes them out
Just saw the first guy i ever slept with in drag. I can hear my grandfather saying "i knew she was a lesbian" somewhere
Well hey if hot cowboys are involved then all bets are off.
If I die on my trip, you're my chosen person. Nightstand-vibrators. Computer-iphoto naked pictures. I hope you feel honored.
The gyno asked how many partners i've had... I said ummmm she goes ok then i'll just put down ten.
I woke him up and he was mumbling something about it being moist, or he peed himself but it was okay.
knew it was a bad idea. the look she gave me when i left her roommates bedroom in the morning really illustrated that.
the girl peeing in the stall next to mine has really cute shoes. on a scale of 1 to restraining order, how weird would it be to compliment them from in here?
AT THIS RATE YOU WILL HAVE FUCKED MORE OF MY CLOSE FRIENDS THAN I HAVE PEOPLE PERIOD BY VALENTINE'S DAY.
I think drinking White Russians at half past four in the afternoon is perfectly acceptable. I'd bought a LOT of milk and cream that needs to be used up. Resourceful, check, fuckable, check. You have a great girlfriend here pal.
You didn't say, "No." And you stole more than half of my Snickers. You owed me that dick.
i mean i'm drinking free wine with lesbians and listening to sinead oconnor so i'm not sure who won that breakup
I will forever remember this as The Great Jalepeno Cock Burn of 2014.
I know! It's like he knows when my vagina wants to misbehave!
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