Did you hallucinate the same white buffalo that I did last night.
No, but I did see you shaking hands with a homeless man.
He was putting purell on my boobs saying "they need to be clean for later." He hadn't had a drink all night
my 12 year old sister just told me how admirable it was that i felt comfortable going out with my friends dressed "like that"
You yelled "bananas are an excellent source of pottasium!"4 times in the middle of class. how do you not remember?
I don't even know what potassium is.
At the T-Rex bar with my nephew...only in Disney can I have a beer and a soda at the bar with a 4 year old
There are regrets in my world today- mostly jager at that fucking altitude
I'm so hungover I literally am considering drinking from the fishtank to avoid getting out of bed.
...and as she's going down on me I look at the speedo and I'm doing 15 under, with 6 cars tailgating me, and I know her parents saw her head pop up because they were the car right behind us.
I'm at a first year old's birthday party and a midget dressed as a cop just showed up. Word is we're going to toss and bowl with him. Updates to come.
You just missed an honest to god bukkake
I had cheese pancakes which is pretty much just melting cheese in a frying pan and then eating it except youre in denial that your life is a wreck
Not to be gross and awkward, but I just had sex outside in the rain on the hood of a lexus
Dude, exfoliate your balls. you'll thank me later.
you were peeing in her backyard and some dude came outside and looked at you and was like "thats not a pee spot" and you said "well it is now" then i joined you. Forever poppin squats <3
One can only be this extremely wet once a year and I feel like I'm bitch slapping god by not using this gift he has bestowed on me.
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