I just realized I've stolen a hat from every guy I fucked. Except the last one. Maybe there is hope for me.
You know i think she's just using me for sex
I hate you.
we found a loaf of bread in my bathroom i believe its yours. sorry i took a shower before we noticed so it might be soggy
Either I need to stop bringing you back to my apt or I need to stop buying ikea furniture
At what point did we decide It was a good idea t have a wheelbarrow race in the parking lot?
NEW RULE: can't hook up with more than 50% of the groomsmen in wedding party or it becomes wrong kind of weird. NUMBERS GAME.
i think dick pics are a sign of a sexual renaissance
Setting up an obstacle course with ladders, hurdles, and a spring board to the pool. you down for drunk races through it later?
You didn't say, "No." And you stole more than half of my Snickers. You owed me that dick.
Apparently nothing brings out sympathy in a barista like asking if they have a hangover special
I have this vague feeling that I was involved in a dance off with a homeless man?
I'm just going to take the mature adult root and ignore him for a bit, and then pretend like I didn't see him jerking off.
I can get something to clone your cock for $40. It's worth it. It's my birthday present to myself.
OMG I CAN GET A GLOW-IN-THE-DARK ONE
RESIST THE DICK
thats like telling me to resist drinking water. impossible.
I put the child locks on after I put you in the car and you then screamed, "I am a Phoenix, you can't restrain me. I NEED TO FLY!"
Randomize
