You found Muppets From Space a little too intense, so you just sorta sat on the ground and stared at the wall plug for an hour and a half.
I'm going to be blunt here. I don't actually care what you're doing tonight. I just need to know if I need to shave or not.
His mom always writes on my facebook right after we have sex. it's like she knows. with her scary mom psychic powers
do you remember when we thought we were both knocked up by the same guy like two days apart and would have half twins? Thats a best friend moment.
I feel like I was dropped out of a helicopter. Through the propeller.
He called me at 4am to ask me to marry him, then threw up into the phone for 10 minutes.
Drunk wound on my leg hast healed and neither has my dignity
I snapchatted him nudes and he didn't screenshot a single one of them because he's a gentleman.
do me a favor, I need this weekend off so can you work your magic and blow my boss again?
We only initially bonded over boobs and sarcasm
I'll be back in a hour going with Jason to get his nipples tattooed back on again
So I had Xanax for breakfast & I'm probably going to fuck my tennis instructor.
If you wake up, and some of your hair is singed off, it probably has something to do with the lit cigarette you put in your hair. You said it could double as a bobby pin...?
I was just told I’m pretty enough to be a catfish. This made me so happy...
I woke up under a house in Key West
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