my grand plan for the evening is to do shots of vodka til i cant anymore
I got to stop making out with my boss at work. I think we should just get it overwith, be dissaponted and move on.
The more I look at him the more I wonder why anyone would ever want any of his features to be a part of their childs face.
You were chewing up hot dogs and spitting them out
I'm pretty sure I just woke up to one of the airport janitors saying that she wanted to tie me up and do something.. I couldn't hear what, thank god
I'll never forget how blunt of a wingman you were. "Excuse me, my friend wants to makeout with someone"
I was drunk petting a fox and taking shots of Jager. That's about as outdoorsy as it gets.
I'm not drinking with you for AT LEAST a day
But yesterday I literally met half his family buzzed wearing a cheeta print bathing suit super short shorts and a tiny tank top.. I was like awesome
Having a heartfelt conversation with your boyfriends mom while sexting her son. If that's not multitasking, I don't know what is.
I'm 10 cats away from completing my post divorce transformation.
she's the poster child for how alcoholism can be fun.
Your grandma changed her Netflix password :(
Nothing says "I'm sorry for shitting in your bed" like an Olive Garden gift card
How was your day?
Peaceful. I left the house to get paid and get fried chicken.
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