god help us all. i just saw an infant wearing a onesie that said "i don't know who my daddy is"
at 4 in the morning i heated a family sized mac n cheese for a minute and decided to eat it frozen cuz I didn't wanna wait for that long
True Life: I puke at bars and try to catch it in my hand...then walk away like it didn't happen
Dude I'm 99% sure I'm witnessing an e-harmony date at panera, prob late 40's, this is better than the movies.
At the hospital, the nurse kept telling me that i either had appendicitis, a tubular pregnancy, or an ovarian cyst. I kept asking if i could just have chlamydia instead...
I think this baby is eyeing my beer
Repeat the weekend mantra. "I like boys with teeth, I need boys with teeth, I deserve boys with teeth, I will have boys with teeth".
If you invite me to a bar tonight my liver will kick you in the testicles
Her craziness is the sexiest thing about her.
I can't wait to read your obituary.
Man i fell asleep on a random persons porch on the way home and woke up to the family banging on the windows trying to wake me up
He just texted me a video of him jerking off. He must really be looking forward to the Super Bowl.
I haven't had a bra on since I quit my job.
After 2 minutes he came and said, "thanks for everything". I can't wait to hear what he says next time when I do more than just lay there.
It's alright. I'm just trying to make her realize you're not good enough for her.
Just deepthroated a hot dog. Thinking of you
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