I really wish I could go back in time to change the course of events that led to me sitting on the internet at 3 Googling 'Traumatic masturbation' while talking to you about failed dates, and running a virtual restaurant in a video game.
why cant girls ever use the fly? why do they always have to awkwardly try to pull it over your belt?
We just saw a waitress walk by with a tray of bacardi and whipped cream.
Whoever ordered that deserves a pat on the back and the "classiest customer" award
I'm on the strip, it's like a mini new years eve. Some girl just got taken away on a stretcher with her meter margarita in her hand claiming it's trophy for being awesome. Damn tourists are lightweights.
I think i accidentally made vodka pancakes
You were humming mission impossible as we ran from the cops
Just gave my pregnant cat a safe sex talk. That high.
We ended up at an Asian frat. I made out with two Mexicans at the same time and I pulled a muscle in my leg from twerking too low. Diversity.
Also, just woke up in a Romney tank and sequin flag panties. Merica.
I just did a booty-call caliber shave job in preparation for this weekend. Fuck being ladylike; I'm tryna get LAID-ylike
I came back from England with a face tattoo and the only thing anyone can talk about is my beard.
We just broke up and deleting his dick pics is the hardest thing I've ever had to do.
I can't believe there are people our age getting engaged and I can't even find a solid coke dealer.
I'm still amazed at how you managed to get Doritos in my damn front pocket without me noticing. I got crumbs everywhere.
This whole thing is fucking bullshit. I should be wasting all my hard-earned money at Planet Con this weekend but NOOOOOOOOO. Now I'll never get Roy Thomas to sign my comic
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