The only reason I'm still around is so I can grow a huge Gandalf beard when my hair turns gray
the cop asked for your social security number and you gave her your high school locker combo
remind me in the morning to get the random kid out of the closet and to clean the pudding off the wall
You kept saying thank you to the automatic toilet as it flushed your puke.
when the song champagne showers came on you poured some kids beer over his head... while giving him a lap dance
We're having chugging races with long island ice tea, I won. To often
You described pouring milk in your strawberry cereal as a glittering magnificent water fall, skimming over the mountain and little strawberry citizens.
finding an unopened condom on the ground can really change your outlook on the night
THIS CHICK IS LIKE SOME SORT OF HOOKER HOUDINI.
According to facebook, I opened up a can of whupass on some douche who poured all the vodka on the ground.
You called the wrong number but I salute you.
You know you need to get it together when a frat guy wakes you up and says you need to go to class
So my mom wants to hear about my weekend. How do I make licking cupcake frosting off your face while high not sound like just that?
I told her we had to stay at the bar until at least midnight because that's when my direct deposit hit, don't tell me i'm not responsible
dude it's 9am and i'm still drunk it's too early for sexting
You're not who I thought you were. You've changed.
Why are there condoms taped to the handle of Tito’s?
I get horny when I drink, pregnant when I fuck and I never lose the booze unlike my purse
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