I just realized that my mother and I have the same favorite sex position, Guess which one!
OMG! Ew.
Lucky Dad.
Five things that make you perfect. Go.
The skin of a dead hooker. The blood of the innocent. The soul of a kitten. The hat from cat in the hat. And sunglasses.
I twisted my ankle last night doing a super high five with 3 inch heels on.
it was 5AM and you were field goal kicking solo cups into the sink
when the lights went off, all i could see was the glowing of the camera light in the closet... i got the fuck out of there so fast.
All he was doing was sitting in the car, staring. We asked him what was wrong and he just turned, smiled, and said "everything has its own pair of boots"
Im only slightly posetive that left over guacamole and wine are unacceptable for breakfast at 6.30 am
Stoned in a petco on a Saturday. I figured out that ferrets can eat themselves out. Just picture it. Never leaving.
I literally just smashed open my grade school piggy bank for beer money. Goodbye childhood. Hellllllo coin night.
I just love it. It's warm and soft and the rest of the world is so mean. My bed would never be mean to me
Life achievement unlocked: I just ate a Slim Jim "Lady and the Tramp" style with a guy in a bar.
How did you end up breaking into that laundromat at 3am? I saw the snapchat but like..... How?
I would steal a car if I knew it had wheat thins in it
is it necessary to steal the whole car?
You wrapped yourself in tin-foil and told us you were Iron Man. I have pictures.
I have a weird question... did you bite my back last night?
Randomize
