I am about to get in a knife fight over a corn dog.
pretty sure I just motor boated my professor at the drag show
Just told the nurse I wouldn't get on the scale. Told her to write FAT.
I feel violated. a guy just did an ultrasound on my balls. He made eye contact..
I'm proud of our boobs and what they could potentially achieve in life.
By the way, she says hi. At least I think she did since she licked my phone
I wish I still had pics from the prostitute I paid/dated
What sexual position says im sorry for your loss?
He came to the party late, didn't bring tacos, and then asked what shennanigans we were getting into. I swear I will never fuck another hipster.
I think this hangover is going to kill me. If it succeeds I would like you to read a dramatic rendition of 'Trapped in the closet' complete with interpretative dance at my funeral.
It's really funny to see the look on the sales lady's face when she asks why you're replacing a painting. "I knocked it off the wall during sex w/ my heels," wasn't what she expected.
In my defense, who let the drunk girl run around with a sack of broken glass unsupervise?
She was from Wisconsin, she had great boobs... I mean... It's a dairy state....
I am at 99 matches in less than 24 hours, I need a tinder rehab program
The girls said some drunk guy in footie pajamas was asking for me when they opened the doors. I thought we agreed you were gonna stay home and microwave me some bacon.
Randomize
