Holy cold harsh reality of sobriety batman
I just woke up to a lawnchair covered in lipstick. I'm wearing red lipstick. What happened and is the tequila?
shit pants at work. discarded underwear.
just showed this text to the guy at west elm. luckily we did not stool ourselves in the midst of the ensuing hilarity. so you're commando now?
yep! most awkward part is that i was a few feet away from a client, talking and looking him in the eye. i've never stooled while looking someone directly in the eye.
I mean, he's dancing back and forth between pathetically sad and massively fucking creepy.
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theyre just this beautiful family of functioning alcoholics. i want them to adopt me.
I made two strippers play rock paper scissors to see who would give me a lap dance last night
You said you were going to take the sideview mirror to your own car so that nobody would steal it. Thats why you woke up with it.
This was baby jesus's way of getting you to wait until the next bikini wax
You almost set me on fire last night.
You probably deserved it.
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I'm not entirely sure what happened last night, but I think I dislocated my kneecap during an epic Mario Kart battle...
During your work shift I was either: a) stoned. b) high. c)stoned. or d) high.
So I spent all night thinking my bed was floating down a river and telling the cats to get on the bed because they were going to float away. Percocet is strong shit.
I don't think meeting his drug dealers counts as a relationship landmark.
So the bar crawl I'm on is a "90s bar crawl" and I made the joke about a few overweight girls that "lack of concern for your weight is so 90s" it did not end well
You're a wizard. You are a master of disguise. You are beautiful. I love you.
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