Well for starters i'm drinking vodka out of a bell pepper.
If its vodka, everyone is attractive. Tequila, everyone is dead sexy, single and fuckable.
if i get the "i'm engaged" text one more time, i'm going to shoot myself in the face so my cats won't eat it when i die alone.
i cant finish this easy-mac because i need it for a chaser.
this morning your mother said to me "sorry to have to meet you like this, in my sons bed" later she said "you never know whos gonna be in there. its scary sometimes"
Aaaaand that would be the most of my hand I've ever fit into a vagina before.
He broke hus nose arm jousting with the traffic cones... We need to make head shots illegal or get helmets or something
You screamed "there will be blood" and punched some random guy in the face. So no, we can't go back to that bar.
I just want to have such an intense orgasm that my heart stops and I die. I mean that would kind of suck for the guy I'm fucking but then again he could be like "I'm that good"
I'll give you some choices for what to get me for Christmas. 1.You naked. 2.You naked 3.You naked.
No, I'm just drunk and was excited cause a hot stranger bought me tacos.
Stop confusing me with every girl you know that doesn't like sex.
I just had a 10 minute staring contest with my dog. Can you come over?
Dude I just clenched/unclenched my hindquarters while looking in the mirror I have fucking talent
Somebody broke the sliding door, and someone ripped the toilet seat off the toilet. So yeah, pretty typical friday night
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