I woke up with my face in a pile of pancakes and 3000 mistakes.
gotta love it when a reminder comes up on your phone and u think u forgot about a meeting or something then u read it and its only to remind me to go to the titty bar at 3
is sleeping with your Political Science professor Politically incorrect?
Was he helping you 'cram' for your final, or just giving an oral exam?
Is there a nice way of saying 'touch my penis or i dont really wanna hangout"?
what you doin?
I just woke up vomited poured myself a chocolate milk and turned on the peoples court. you?
reread what you just wrote and reconsider your entire life
when i woke up this morning i blew my nose and ash came out.. i'm not sure what to make of this.
I'd feel sorry for him and his injury but it's an inconvenience for my vagina
Thanks for letting me in last night. I was drunkenly sleepwalking.
I feel like a Europe failure cause I'm coming home from the club at 3:30 and so many people are just arriving... Wtf? 3:30am People! Drink earlier!
It's a Tuesday.
okay the fridge is completely filled only with alcohol. Not even exaggerating. There is no food.
Sometimes I wonder if we're going to make it to 40.
That amount of times your family has seen my boobs is getting ridiculous.
The fact that I can now puke rainbows on snapchat makes my life that much better
she grabed my junk and started making lightsaber noises
I wonder if you could get her in a metal bikini
Just remembered that I got laid thanks to my glow in the dark Batman belt buckle. Need to wear it more often.
woke up with a tree in my apartment. also the everclear bottle is suspiciously low
suspiciously? i think one of those explains the other
Randomize
