Woke up with feathers in my hair. at work. still drunk. sooo awkward.
he pushed my hair back because he said it made me look like kelly kapowski and he told me to call him zach
nothing like baby laughter to ruin a masturbation moment
Apparently I covered myself in sunscreen before I went to bed. Im just assuming that due to the fact I found an empty bottle of sunblock
I wish you would stop telling everyone that your cock turned me into a Bears fan.
Just proved I could salsa dance in a bar where no one was dancing
Sidenote...no idea how to salsa
By the way if you come home and I'm not wearing pants, just go with it. I didn't have the energy to go searching for some.
You were holding up a boot and yelling boot gang
Wait, just ask him if can you can join in. You haven't lived until you've taken part in a threesome with your father...or so I've heard
she dared me to make out with the amish dude so I went up to him and grabbed him by the beard
GRABBED HIM BY THE BEARD
I have found random beers stashed in my purse and microwave... Apparently I thought 2015 was gonna have a beer shortage
a guy just skateboarded past my window in a bunny suit while chased by a dog walker
I screenshoted his dick pic the other day because it literally looked like a brontosaurus. Like that really tall dinosaur that eats grass. Like I wanna draw a face on it.
And a hot pocket after we fucked. Heaven.
APPARENTLY I MISSED SOMEONE SWALLOWING A WHOLE BAG OF METH WHILE I WAS ON BREAK.
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