:)
Wipe that smile off your face.
Arguably, the best part was cockblocking those squirrels.
Went to use to bathroom and walked in on karaoke. Two girls singing "a whole new world" to each other in the shower. I'm gonna miss this place in the summer
His foreplay reminded me too much of breastfeeding.
you wouldn't believe how quickly birth control dissolves in vodka
I just had my first non-cocaine-induced nosebleed for the first time in 2 years. This calls for a celebration.
My drunk neighbor is arguing with a goose in his yard. This was the highlight of my day.
you ate dog biscuits in front of my dogs and laughed at them for not have opposable thumbs
Ok. Here's the plan. Take your hand (whichever is closest), summon all your nerve, and just stick it right down his pants.
I love you.
The best part about this city is obvious. Someone saw me crouching by a bar pissing in my leftover Panera bread bowl and they just winked.
I'm gonna die. First I'm gonna throw up. But then I'm gonna die.
Topless Tuesday? One of us will be really happy the other not so much.
I don't care what the Chinese zodiac calendar says . . . 2015 is the year of the cock!
Why can't all sociopaths be as fabulous as me?
My mind doesn't wanna day drink but my heart does.
Randomize
