peeing in bathroom at penn station and the homeless man next to me is combing his beard with a fork...god I love new york
the quote on the bathroom wall was "stop reading this and focus on peeing" and i realized i'd peed on the seat.
the boobs are fake... i feel like i just found out santa isn't real.
I get drunk and say inappropriate things... you get drunk and sleep with inappropriate people. it's what we do.
I was high enough to think that mac-n-cheese w/ ketchup, tortilla chips w/ ketchup, and milk was a fancy dinner
she said "i got this" and then fell on her face. within grabbing distance of the wall and her boyfriend
You need 4-7 business day to recover from a fingering like that.
It was like an alcohol war zone and you left a soldier behind.
I couldn't find my shirt this morning so I stole one from his eight year old sister. Slutted up my outfit quite a bit.
your fridge is broken, your sock drawer is full of snow, and you flipped off the whole stadium on the big screen. I'd say it went well.
dude, im taking a shit and i just realized it's his MOM in the shower not him...oh fuck
There is a midget in cheetah face paint on a leash here
I called 911 when they kicked me out of the bar last night.
idk what happened last night but i just wokeup with nothing on but a necklace...what is this, the fucking titanic?
Yeah, let's go with that. Fuck that weak moment of complete honesty I just had.
Randomize
