Passed out watching pirates of caribbean with vodka in hand. Woke up to jenna jameson, with vodka gone.
I can't believe the cop was so cool about the whole thing, I mean, I had man mayo all over my jeans.
You and i never got to the, we dont care what we look like friend-stage. you know? like not brushing your teeth stage.
sorry im really high
I just ate a whole pineapple for lunch. You should be begging to give me a bj tonight.
She was about to go down when you guys iced me. Thanks bro
I am getting my wife a tattoo just above her butthole that says, "For entry just add tequila."
in respone to your voicemail you left me on saturday, yes i had gone to bed and no i was not still drinking at 5am
His body is just chiseled out of sex. I would let that man do anything to my body. Including fuck me while my parents watch
It'll be like a meth lab. But with jello.
I felt so bad for you. Drunk Rachael wanted nothing more than to crawl into the cop car and give you a hug. Luckily Mollied/Barred out Rachael convinced Drunk Rachael this was a terrible idea. So I ran. I have your keys btw
Be ready for a dog pile. On your head. With my ass.
He told me I had smoking hot areolas then he wins an executive of the year award. How does that even happen?
I'm at a sex party and there's a guy in an ICP jersey and trip pants. I see now that this is the moment in the movie of my life I recognize I have a problem
I'm trying to blow this guy down here can you please get my husband out of the house.
ARE YOU DEAD? TEXT Y FOR YES OR N FOR NO.
Randomize
