meow
WTF. STOP SENDING ME ANIMAL NOISES. ITS FUCKING WEIRD.
should I fuck that poor girl
no dude she won't be able to afford a fucking abortion
Ok, but If I make this happen, my first born son gets to fuck your first born daughter
I'm using process of elimination to determine which of our neighbors i fucked last night.
its official. the only way for my hair to look good is to blow somebody
mary just dropped the yahtzee dice in her wine. and shes throwin em like shes on a craps table.
hahahaha slap the bag.
Slowly realizing that my only incentive to bathe is shower beer
I got a thank you card in the mail from the virgin i slept with on the camping trip. Weird or the new classy?
Thank you for caring about my cervix.
TSA literally pulled two bottles of whiskey out of my bag. Once he saw the leopard print socks and the mickey mouse tank, he put it back in my bag and said "Have a fun trip, man."
If the fate of the world hinged on some chubby girl getting laid, the president would dispatch me with a fifth of Jameson immediately and then rest easy.
Thank you for deleting me from Instagram. Also, I'm carrying your child. Happy new year!
One day I'll learn not to get drunk on a plane. Today is not that day.
Remember when we got high off our ass and you talked me into running in place then punched me in the face and said it was a wall?
Ya, you were bleeding for an hour and a half
I'M HANGING OUT WITH THE DRUG DEALER UPSTAIRS JUST SO I CAN STEAL HIS WIFI PASSWORD, I HOPE Y'ALL LOVE ME.
Randomize
