thanks for not screaming that I'm pregnant when that guy was giving me his number.
so i am drinking whiskey and watching home alone 2 by myself. it turns out moving to a foreign country isn't all that different after all.
Do you ever just KNOW it's gonna be a good day? I mean, like in a "just found a Vicodin in the bottom of your purse" kinda way?
I don't understand how anyone could look at him and think, 'Yeah, that's a good idea.'
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Found out my brother is now my eskimo brother...One of my proudest times as a brother
Don't remember shit. It was only until I saw the glaze on my forearm that I knew you drove to get donuts last night. I also spent 20$ there apparently
she was trying to use her iTranslate app while we were having sex.
Is it worth it to drive to a zoo with a high possibility of sex at said zoo?
wellllllll.... I literally just puked in my mouth so perhaps this is not the epic love connection I believed it to be 3 minutes ago.
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We fucked on shrooms. It's like his dick was a beam of light and when I came I turned into a prism and my orgasms were made of rainbows.
A very confused plastic surgeon just called. Apparently I called asking how much it costs to get a vodka funnel installed straight to my brain...
I made it crystal clear I'm only upset because he's not anywhere fit to be a father of my unborn zygote
If you don't see me at the bar tomorrow night, I was most likely captured by the communists.
I'd say "I think I gave my TA chlamydia" is an accurate way to sum up my life.
The moment when you go to plug in someone else's phone in your car and your lube is in the way. Don't mind that it's just my center console car lube. Normal.