You ever start fucking a girl and realize she kinda looks like your mom?
I told her I had to go to work this morning, got fully dressed in a suit, walked her out, drove around the block, parked, and walked right back in my apt and went back to sleep..
my credit card is covered in vodka and bad memories
If I banged a coworker last night but didn't enjoy it can I put it down on my timesheet?
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Letting two friends screw at my place in exchange for weed. This is my life.
Sex is always the answer.
Especially if the question is: what have I not had this year?
His gf just liked my changed relationship status. She's gonna shit bricks when she finds out he left her for me. Bless her little heart.
The best part of Easter was watching all his colorblind cousins try to find the eggs.
I ate breakfast with him. And by ate breakfast I mean we fucked on the kitchen table.
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All his ex-girlfriends are delicate flowers, tho. And I'm like a trash compactor.
I wouldn't worry about it. You know what they say, THICK THIGHS MAKE THE DICK RISE.
Yes, you can glue plastic eyes to my dick and take pictures while I'm asleep. If you tell anyone I said you could do that Ima fight you.
Disregard everything I texted you last night. Oh, and disregard me hooking up with your boyfriend.
This is a mass text. Who in the hell shat on my stairs last night?
he tied his pants around my leg to stop the bleeding... i think he just wanted a good excuse to take his pants off
well did it work?
it was a success in both ways.
You showed up at 4 am holding a beer and wearing a wig you apparently found in the dumpster.
That explains some things...
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