You make homosexuality sound like a cult.
i forgot to tell you that olivia sent me a text yesterday that the mormon girl got caught with weed in her vagina at school
you are my new fav person for making him do the walk of shame in pink footie pajamas!
I wish alcohol would automatically work as birth control if you have sex drunk.
23 People Confess Why They Don’t Talk To Their Best Friend Anymore
i've never seen someone face fit so perfectly in a toilet bowl
Woke up next to a tiki torch spooning a plastic flamingo on a welcome mat i've never seen before with a "happy valentines day" balloon tied to my wrist, oh yeah and "i am a cougar" is written on my chest in sharpee and all the kitchen furniture is upside down...
Every grown women needs to pee herself once in her life. It builds character.
An old lady WILL get vomited on today.
Delivery driver perk #327: I just paid for part of the security deposit on my new place in pizza. This oughta be a fun renting experience.
These 17 Delivery Dudes Suck At Their Jobs But Are Winning At Life
You don't realize it's a small world until your ex girlfriend's dad unintentionally messages you on grindr..what.the.fuck.
The cop actually kicked the bitches out of the cab so we could get ours. I flipped them all off as the door was shutting. That drunk.
Just casually ripping a bowl in the chicken coop, with the chickens. NBD
So, when I got arrested, they fingerprinted me. I'm getting my nails done right now and I'm pretty sure he's filing off my prints. Worth the $30.
Woke up naked on your sister's mattress lying next to a single slice of bread.
Using the money underagers give me to buy this semesters books.. My mom would be so proud