All I seem to do lately is get myself off, take naked pictures and drink beer. I don't know if thats a good or bad thing.
I woke up to the bathroom door of steak n shake hitting me in the face at 4 in the morning...
talked to my RA about stamps and mailmen again. when do you think she'll realize that i only talk to her when i'm high?
Grandma just handed out bail money... it's officially christmas
well its a long story but basically i overcame many cockblocks
the japanese bartender dressed as a cowboy in assless chaps just told me i was too drunk for another shot
We broke up in downtown Nashville with drunken, blow up penis waving bachelorette parties walking by. For some reason I can see this ending up as a country music video.
The maintenance guy asked for a box to stand on to reach the ceiling. All I could offer him was a keg.
i was really disappointed no one would drink beer from our cleavage last night except for us
Don't worry, I'm preparing for tonight by lining my purse with a garbage bag.
Trial is expected to last a fucking week if I get chosen.
To be fair, you are the kind of person I want to be on the jury when I inevitably end up in front of one.
As if finding out the man you just had sex with is married isn't bad enough, it gets so much more awkward when his wife comes in to comfort you...
Seriously? You DON'T remember putting all those Swedish fish in the waffle iron b/c you wanted "One big Swedish fish?" That waffle iron was a wedding gift.
Bless her heart. Her stupid, drunk, adderall-ed heart.
You left something at the house but since I'm back home now so I can just mail it over. Address?
I didn't realize you could put dignity in a box these days.