I think I found my soulmate. This guy in front of me is yelling about getting laid while holding two beers and texting. I think this is love.
This is so stupid. Now I have to call the party planner and tell her that the break up party is off. They decided to get back together.
I just realized I have yet to puke in your new apartment. Clearly we're doing something wrong. On my way over with Cuervo as I type.
With any luck I will spend the duration of this flight with my tray table up my seatbelt securely fastened and my face in his lap
Pretty sure I picked a cat up off the street and took him home with me, fed him tuna, then let him go
Hey in a lighter note I also nutted in that cheerleader too if she got prego there would have been a team reunion on Maury
Well once I told her I had a girlfriend she actually got more aggressive. Then Danielle called me and she saw the pic of the two of us on my phone and immediately said "can my caller I'd pic be me sitting on your face" wtf?
He ended up buying the equivalent of dinner at a Mexican place, in weed
Well he has a golden retriever set as his background so there's no way he was filming us having sex
We're the worst. Two people without their shit together do not make a functional adult.
I went to an adult Halloween party last night dressed as Mrs. Doubtfire, but I woke up on a stranger's couch surrounded by sleeping children in karate gi's. And I accidentally flushed my granny wig mid-puke, so if they wake up I'm gonna have to convince them that I'm just a weird older man and not a terrible cross dresser.
How did you come to this point in your life?
Good bartenders.
Everytime I feel sad about the break up; I recall that she is a Bernie supporter and feel all better
I don't think I can get drunk, high or horny enough to even consider that
My mom has tinder, she is 45 and has her age setting at 18-29. And she still gets more matches than me
...okay, you can't just say 'masturbating llama' and not explain yourself
Randomize
