I feel like abortions should bother me more
Tears do usually get me what I want. That and oral sex.
Hindsight: maybe I should have included a few transitional texts in between talking about your son and my need to have sex. Do over?
I'm making a conscious effort to limit my spending at the bars...i wrote "FOR CAB ONLY" on a $20 last night
Was awful. Wedding photos taken by a river with used syringes floating past. Had to ask the bride to put down a can of rum to have her photo taken.
I do believe at one point I was dispensing medical advice while wearing your sombrero and a hulk hand
Did i tell you my idea for my life plan? Not the one that involves stripping.
Either I'm paranoid or I swear my parents rigged my house so you can never sneak in or have the munchies without being loud.
I don't see how I managed to fuck up so much shit in an hour and a half..
Oh, honey. If you're seeing a girl just for the sex, never doubt that she knows and she's doing the same thing. We're not stupid, we're just craftier than you.
I have a terrible feeling that I made out with a fraternity last night
I named my Roomba after my pot dealer. I have a problem, don't i?
One three hour marathon fuck session and now she's divorcing her husband. Should I get business cards made?
Damn that brownie almost kicked my ass. I'm not sure if my flight home lasted 10 minutes or 10 days..
when i woke up w mysterious sticky crap in my hair, i assumed i had another blackout hookup. nope. turns out i made PBJ and proceeded to pass out in it. i ate the evidence when i woke up.
Randomize
