The world would be so much better with thought bubbles.
he asked me if i "normally slept like that" because i was curled up in a ball facing the wall. then he told me that i woke up in the middle of the night and said "oh my god. i forgot you were here." how did he not understand that i didn't want him in my bed.
I think call of duty has replaced my masturbating. And I'm alright with that.
It was worse than when we pepper-sprayed my dick. I feel mislead.
that's probably because you left your arm in the fishtank for 90% of the night
Well the strippers have danced to goo goo dolls and green day, time of your life. Were all gonna commit suicide.
Based on the grey fur I pulled from my teeth, I think her vagina has mice.
Hot dogs and hydrocodine is NOT the combo of champions
My dog is now used to me drunk singing and sleeps through it. I don't know how I feel about this
She told me she ate a whole pizza today, and I just wanted to hug her forever.
He stopped his car in the middle of ongoing traffic to ask me to marry him. Then he got pulled over. Yeah I'd say the slutty Dallas Cowboys costume was a success.
Your hotness may or may not have landed him in jail.
i just got banned from the m&m's website for trying to get poon slayer written on my custom order
So like, boobs.
are you really going to start every conversation like that?
walked into my room this morning clutching two empty bottles of sminoff to find my roommate's ultra conservative parents staring at my posters of naked men. fuck parents weekend.
I'm drunk but I just ate 2 heads of broccoli so does that mean it evens out?
Yes absolutlely
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