just took a sink shower in Arbys bathroom
I need to not be around brick walls while intoxicated.
im flying all the way to minnesota to see him for four days... cutest-best-friend-reunion or most-epic-booty-call-ever?
who says it cant be both...
He just brought me a wine glass. Full of Tequila. Ignore any texts after this one.
He got violent drunk so we have to untie him in the morning. He's in your basement and you're out of electrical tape. Don't forget because I will.
Do you think she will like "you don't have to swallow this time" gift certificates for Xmas?
Why would I send you a picture of it when I could just steal the gnome and put it in your bed with you? Admit it, he looks just like gnomeo!
Of course I will... FYI I just gave my balls a crew cut.
I faked an orgasm during phone sex last night. This relationship is starting to become real.
the other day i was so high i found pages and pages of pictures of HD hamburgers and patriotic music. bong rips for merica.
I apologized to him for my lack of boobs after he felt me up
In case I die. I'm in ares truck with a bartender named Dave from chuys. JUST IN CASE. And let the people know my last words were suck my dick. My like literally.
I may not have my dignity, pride or sanity but I have my pants.
I woke up to a huge bag of McDonalds breakfast, a cup of coffe and Advil. The note read "yeah its a one night thing, but I felt bad so here you go. Thanks"
He just set a new unobtainable standard in one night stand etiquette.
Am i obligated to tell my sister her girlfriend was my one night stand three months ago?
Randomize
