just caught my little brother jacking off the family pet
he looked about as manly as a guy in a volkswagen bug can look
i just got fired from my job because i was "too smart" and my immedate response was i am WAY too stoned to be considered smart, and theni walked out the door.
wow. i have no words.
franzia sundays are my new favorite holiday
and she was grinding on the wall, purring at guys she liked at the pregame...
Also on a more serious note, what says pull my hair more: straight or soft curls?
The best thing about my promotion is that I now have an office with a door. I can take my naps in peace instead of leaning my head against the stall in the bathroom.
I can't believe they pay you six figures. I hate you.
I can not be a lesbian living on Beaverland.
THIS IS A TERRIBLE REWARD FOR NOT GETTING PREGNANT.
Bed, food, and you got really nice boobs. That's it really. Foundations of friendship right there.
I wore sunglasses to take a shower. I might be hungover.
He's got the most well kempt beard I've ever seen and I need it between my thighs is basically what I'm saying
Stop letting me drink while doing my makeup. I think I used sharpie for eyeliner.
i keep smelling vagina and donuts, which pretty much sumarises this morning. happy birthday.
I woke up an hour ago with orange fingers and a condom stuck to my head.. Wtf just happened?
Randomize
