Drunken candy land NOW. Dont fight the urge... you want to.
He didn't know it yet but he was about to go down on me.
I just wiped my vajayjay with snow. Bad idea.
only 75% of american men are circumcised...i guess this was bound to happen to me someday.
FYI the landlord called and plumbers will be tearing up the bathroom tomorrow. Apparently the tub is leaking into the apt below us so be sure to pee in the shower today.
You drunk dialed me and told me to jump out of my second story window so I could give you head. I almost considered it.
I don't understand how she could dump me AFTER we had shower sex. I'm fucking great at shower sex
A guy just walked down the street dressed as Mickey Mouse holding a 40oz. Where the hell did you leave me?
How dare you. Idk what you called me, and neither does google translate, but you better take it back.
i told her i loved her afterwards and she said "i know," kissed me, and got up to start making breakfast.
dude, she han solo'd you. keep her.
Had to snap chat three different people to ask who left the bite mark on my thigh. All three said "Wasn't me". Now I can't wear a bathing suit to my mom's pool.
When she tells her friend, "hey I'll be back tomorrow, just going to fuck a guy", right in front of you, you know you've got a winner.
Officially spring today. First sighting of loud-ass Steller Jay on the balcony.
Did you fill my inhaler with tequila?
Yeah, so?
It's starting to get sad how I have this 'new beginning' feeling after every negative pregnancy test
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