My breakfast consisted of a slimfast and an adderal. My fridge is like an insecurity buffet.
I would like to remind you that Mike's hard lemonade only goes good with an extra light cigarette and seminal fluid.
We dont have to go to dinner or anything gay like that. I just wanna do it.
I absolutely love you.
It's sad that I have started checking out the ring finger before the rack...I'm getting old
Im telling you now. Hang out with winning football players and you get whatever the hell you want. Sorry to wake you. But its important knowledge.
Shots and making dong molds for my gf's friends. Typical Monday night activities.
It was like stroking your vagina with a cloud.
he was too drunk to climb up my loft. i owe my beating teen pregnancy to four pieces of steel
Just peed off a cliff while playing white snake on my phone. Close enough?
How many times do I have to tell you I'm not bisexual.
.....unless there is alcohol involved
I bet you my entire life savings of $0 that there's a Doctor Who porn parody and that it features the sonic screwdriver being inserted into some cavities
Okay she just told me to turn the volume down on the fan. What does this even mean?
ps why does my dog smell like popcorn and a dryer sheet..?
I could see the visible disappointment when she saw my penis
Does sending her to the conference instead of a competent employee and putting her in a suite make up for banging her husband behind her back?
No, but she’ll have a nice memory when she gets dumped and fired on the same day.
Randomize
