I masturbated on the webcams with my bf yesterday then typed without washing my hands first... then my roommate used my laptop it was pretty priceless
im at that stage where all she has to do is cough or something and it pisses me off
She punched my vomit. In midair. Back into my mouth.
I just scratched behind my ear and found icing. Fuck you.
rethinking that breast reduction surgery... i'm tired of drunkenly explaining the scars to guys who don't really give a shit
I think the imperative here is that I literally knocked down a sorority house with the force of my dick.
Its funny how you denied every part of the text except " you hate fat ppl"
I have the slightest memory of swinging a bag full of condoms over my head...
I just look @ having a child spit on you as another form of birth control. I think my ovaries just tied themselves in a knot.
This Pinterest wedding planning is a good distraction. I'm great at this, my imaginary wedding is beautiful
I am stoned at Disneyland with my little brother. It's gonna be a good day.
I threw up in a pringles can. how do you think my night went.
Give it up bro. I’m not wearing pants or a bra and only an act of god could change that
Someone puked in my crockpot. Your friends can’t come over any more.
He was literally screaming at me for using the same knife to scoop the peanut butter and the jelly.
Randomize
